Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
