I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
