hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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