I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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