Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
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This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
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explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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