A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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