You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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