In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
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crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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