There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
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This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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