I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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