if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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