He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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