Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
