I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
