im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We have started to decorate penises.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
