After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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