Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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