One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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