I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
