Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Houston, we have a blender
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
