My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
