I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
