if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We just shotgunned beers for America
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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