We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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