I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
