I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
