What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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