I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
