Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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