the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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