So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
