worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
