i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
