Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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