My room smells like vodka and shame
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
