Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
