sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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