i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Randomize
