Just mADE A PArabola og urine
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
