fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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