you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
