can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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