gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
