the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
