I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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