I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
