I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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