im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
