just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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