I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
