I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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