Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i've created a new STD.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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