A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So much rum. So many feels.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
