a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
