im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
