Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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